


Oh oh, here I go again (how can i resist you)

by lyn7



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Clint barely appears, Kinda turns into cracky in the end because me tired, M/M, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Natasha Romanov, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Sam Wilson is a Gift, Steve Rogers in an idiot, Tony Stark is tired of shit, Unrequited Love, Warning:not beta-ed so expect terrible grammar and spelling, unnecessary angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-19 08:35:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18133412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lyn7/pseuds/lyn7
Summary: Maybe that's what was always meant to happen. Maybe he was never supposed to have Steve, and Steve was never meant to want him. Maybe Steve is only his soulmate because he's destined to always own half of Bucky's soul with nothing to give back but a friendly pat on the back.Love is love, it doesn't need to be requited.AKA The soulmark AU where their soulmark is mentioned like, twice.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I would like to dedicate his foreword to Christchurch, the city I called my home for all of my childhood, the city where I grew up, experienced my first heart break, wrote my first story, the beautiful city I always carry with me where ever I go.  
> Stay strong, stay loving, stay united. 
> 
> -  
> Prompt at the end.

It’s 3am. 

It’s 3am and there’s someone pounding on his door. 

It’s _3am_ and there’s someone pounding on his door while Bucky’s trying to _sleep_. 

“Bucky!” A voice calls out, and somehow Bucky can make out the slight slur in his speech even just by the two syllables.

He sighs. 

“Buckeeee!”

_One pound, followed by three loud knocks._

Bucky sighs and slides off his bed, bending down to stroke along Alpine’s soft fur gently as the kitten snoozes away on her cat bed. 

“Buchanan James Barnes! I know you’re in there!”

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

Bucky throws open the door and puts on his best glare at his best friend, who is grinning at him, cheeks coloured and eyes barely open- that blonde bastard.

“Hey! You’re home!” 

“Hi Drunk Steve.” Bucky deadpans, folding his arms over his chest, “Nice of you to drop by in the middle of the night, and here I thought moving to the suburbs will rid me of you.” 

Drunk Steve beams at him, “Noooo, you can never get rid of me! We’re soulmates remember?”

Bucky rolls his eyes back as far as he can without gagging, “I try not to.” 

Steve pouts at him, “Can I crash here please? If I go home Sam will be nagging at me until next Christmas.” 

Bucky steps aside to make room for Steve’s beefy body to stumble into his small brownstone. He sighs, slinging his best friend’s strong arm around his shoulders to keep him from falling to an immediate and painful death.

“I sure wish I could go back in time and tell eighteen year old me not to worry, because one day I’ll actually be the more put together one out of the two of us.”

Steve smiles at him sluggishly as if he didn’t hear what was just said. 

Half an hour later, Bucky manages to change Steve out of his suspiciously damp clothes and throws him onto the bed, rolling him onto the furthest side while he gingerly keeps himself on the opposite side. 

“Bucky?” Steve’s deep voice cuts into his sleepy, languid thoughts once again.

“Yea?”

A rustle, and he feels himself being pulled against a strong chest, large fingers running through his short mop of hair. 

His heart almost stops. 

“I miss you.” 

Bucky almost laughs, “Steve, you’ve been drinking yourself into oblivion these past two weeks since Peggy left, you can’t be saying this to me right now.”

The large fingers stop. 

“I…” Steve lets out a breath, and the warm air kisses Bucky’s neck. “I miss Peggy a lot, but I miss you too.”

Bucky closes his eyes, and for a moment, time stops. Just him and his soulmate, cuddling in bed, madly in love with each other. The perfect picture he’s had in his head ever since he was old enough to learn what a soulmark meant. 

He opens his eyes and the world is spinning again. The birds are starting to chirp outside his window. He swallows. 

“You’re such an asshole when you’re drunk.” He says to the ceiling. 

“I know.” Another rustle, the arms pull away and Bucky’s back is cold again.

“I’m sorry” Steve whispers, and it sounds so genuine that Bucky almost believes he isn’t drunk.

Just before he finally drifts off to sleep, Bucky can almost swear he hears the sound of something dropping. Probably a shoe. 

\-----

_For as long as he could remember- well, for as long as he could remember of his short 18 years on earth, Bucky has yearned for his soulmate._

_He was born with his mark, a tiny, barely readable sentence in black right over his tiny infant chest. All his life people have told him how lucky he was; no one knows exactly how soulmarks decide to appear, but many believe in the theory that your mark only appears when you make a life-altering decision that will inevitably lead you to your soulmate- moving cities, deciding on a college, getting a job. There were meet-cute stories of people getting their marks merely minutes before meeting there mate- just because the coffee place they usually went to was closed for the day so they had to go to another._

_For the rare few like Bucky who were born with soulmarks, it only meant one thing-_

_“You are destined for each other.”_

_That’s what his ma would tell him every time he gets angsty about not yet meeting his mate, she would shake her head with a smile and say: “You’ll meet them at the right time honey, just be patient.”_

_And Bucky would only be able to sigh and nod, because as much as it was exhilarating knowing that someone out there is his soulmate- his other half, his destiny. It was always hard being in the unknown on when he’d meet them._

_Which was why, on one fateful fall morning, when a sleep-deprived Bucky who hadn’t slept in over thirty hours- because damn you comparative literature, trudged into the small cafe next to campus, he had chosen to forgo his glasses because 1. His eyesight isn't all that bad really, and 2. he knew what he wanted and didn’t need to read the damn menu printed in small, fine, cursive. Regardless of the fact, he was still having trouble deciding whether he should get a double or triple shot when a deep, disapproving voice cut into his barely-coherent thoughts:_

_**“Hey pal, the end of the line is back there.”** _

_Bucky’s jaw dropped in shock._

_He whipped around to find a few people lined up in front of the counter, something he had apparently missed in his sleep-deprived mind, he almost convinced himself that he was hallucinating the voice saying those **words** \- a product of sleepiness and years of unsatisfactory longing, when he finally laid eyes on him. _

_Tall, built, blonde and heartbreakingly handsome, blue eyes that put the ocean and the sky to shame. He glared at Bucky, brows raised, arms crossed and judgement clear on his face, it was a look that made Bucky want to fall to his knees and grovel for forgiveness._

_Bucky does the first thing that came to his mind, he squeaked- a barely dignified eeep, before opening his mouth to let the words tumble out._

_**“Oh shit please don't think I'm an asshole!”** _

-

If a person life is made out of snapshots of important moments, this following one moment will probably be the only one moment in his life which there are multiple snapshots dedicated to.

There’s one of him, ecstatic to finally find his soulmate after all these years of longing. 

Then there’s multiple of Steve- one of him surprised, one of him eyes widening with shock, one of his mouth falling open as he recognizes Bucky’s words.

And then there’s the next hundred snapshots- ones that come together to form a stop motion playback of Steve’s face falling as he looks at his soulmate in the eyes for the first time in his life, disappointed.

Eighteen year old Bucky would probably not be able to look at these snapshots without wanting to cry about his unfair life. 

Twenty eight year old Bucky would look right at Steve’s crestfallen face and laugh.

 

-

_They had grabbed their respective coffees and found a quiet corner of a cafe, Bucky nervous as hell and treading on a thin rope while Steve still looked confused and bewildered._

_He’d apologized for his rude reaction, explaining that he always dreaded the thought of a pre-destined soulmates. His parents never had a mark you see, but they still managed to find each other and fall in love and had him, and he’d always wanted the same for himself. It wasn’t anything personal, and he’s sure Bucky is great and not an asshole at all, but he just wants to be able to chose his own destiny for himself. Besides, heaps of soulmates are platonic right?_

_He looked so beautiful, getting all worked up, listing articles about people who were pressured to stay with their soulmates because of society even when they weren’t happy. When he asked Bucky “_ Don’t you think so? The idea that you can’t choose who you want for yourself? It’s just so regressive. Wouldn’t you like to someone who’s right for you to fall in love with instead of sticking with some dumb, mouthy blonde stranger you’d only met for 5 minutes, only because _destiny_ told you so?” _His was smiling so brightly that Bucky found himself agreeing, even when his heart wanted to scream no._

-

The next morning, Bucky trudges down the stairs to see Steve flipping pancakes. 

“Hey, morning Buck.” Steve smiles all genuine and perfect. Bucky grunts, sitting himself onto one of the bar stools and a steaming mug is presented to him almost immediately. 

“Thanks for putting up with me last night.” Steve rubs his neck sheepishly, “Again.” 

Bucky rolls his eyes, “Next time I’m going to tell Sam.”

“Oh no.” Steve chuckles, “I’d rather you tattle on me to my real mother.” 

“True.” Bucky smiles into his coffee- black and strong, just the way he likes it, “Sarah would probably convince me to leave you out for the birds.”

Steve laughs and turns back to the pancakes, Bucky sips his coffee, staring into his friend’s rippling back muscles.

“I’m really sorry Bucky.” Steve says after a moment of silence, his back still turned. 

“I know.” Bucky sighs, “I’m worried about you. Sam, Nat, Tony- we all are. We know how much Peggy meant to you.” 

Steve stops. 

“It just sucks we didn’t work out.” He whispers, “I really thought she was the one.”

Bucky lowers his eyes into his coffee. 

“I know.” 

-

_“Her name is Peggy.” Steve sighed, grinning blissfully . “She’s just- she’s perfect, you should meet her, Buck.”_

_Bucky nodded._

_“I think she's the one for me.”_

_Bucky blinked into his coffee._

_“Okay?”_

_Steve chuckled, rubbing his neck bashfully. “Is it too fast?”_

_Bucky blinked again, before shaking his head slowly and taking a long sip out of the straw of his Mocha Frappuccino with extra whip._

Huh, Darcy forgot to add the extra pump of syrup, weird. 

_He swallowed the bitterness down before turning back to Steve._

_“Not really, I've seen it happen faster.”_

_Steve beamed at him, and Bucky found himself smiling- it was almost an automatic response._

_He was proud of himself. 18 year old Bucky would've taken it badly, he probably would have thrown a fit and insisted that But I'm supposed to be **the one**! Then Steve would look at him all disappointed and guilty. _

_But not this Bucky. This Bucky was mature and cool enough to be friends with Steve. He was happy for Steve being happy, he was happy for Steve dating, he was happy to be Steve's best friend and will happily be his best man at his wedding and give a speech about all the fun they've had together._

_That was enough for him._

_He was fine, who ever this girl was, he will be fine with her. Just like he was fine with Lorraine, and Carol, and Betsy or whatever her name was, and all the other girls and guys Steve has dated._

_“So you think it'll work out?” Steve asked eagerly._

_Bucky stretched his smile wider._

_“Yea, sure.”_

-

“So, you got any plans for today?” Steve asks him while rinsing off the last syrup covered plate. 

Bucky shrugs, “Not really, it’s my day off.” 

And that was the other thing. 

Although Bucky can claim the upper hand on Drunk Steve, Sober Steve is perfect. 

He’s organized, mature and driven- a real adult. 

He does his own dishes, buy his own groceries and cooks his own dinner. He’s paying off his mortgage and doing really well working as a freelance digital artist. 

Bucky’s stuck with a dead-end degree, failed dreams to be a screenwriter, and a cafe job that has him surrounded by teenagers- colleagues or customers alike. He would probably be homeless too if his parents weren’t generous enough to leave him the brownstone when they moved back to Indiana. Even Becca- his younger sister, had moved out to her own place a few years ago. 

Of course Steve wouldn’t want Bucky, he deserves someone better. Like Peggy- sophisticated, ambitious and beautiful. 

God, Bucky hated her guts.

Steve stacks the dishes and turns to smile at him, “We should go out, do something fun.”

Bucky raised his eyebrow, “Staying at home with Alpine is great fun.” 

“I’m sure I’m better company, no offense to Alpine.” Steve laughs and chucks the dishcloth he’s holding at Bucky, “C’mon, it’ll be fun!”

He turns to look at Bucky with a pleading look and soon enough, he’s changing out of his pyjamas and tagging along like the pathetic, pining, mess that he is. 

They go for a run in the park, share a triple scoop ice cream cone, then somehow ended up walking half the city to find the perfect New York slice. (It’s Joe’s all the way, Steve has no taste.)

When they go back to Steve’s, they put on Netflix, settling down to crack open a few beers and spent the night laughing over inside jokes.

Later, Steve fucks him on the couch. 

-

_The first time they fucked was almost two years after they’d met. It was the night Steve broke up with Lorraine (Well technically, the night she dumped him)._

_They were both drunk. Not drunk enough to not know what they were doing, but drunk enough to think it was a good idea._

_Steve fucking him into the small, squeaky mattress while Bucky bit down on the pillow. It was sloppy and messy and fast. But also amazing._

_It was nothing that Bucky ever felt before (Not that he had much experience to compare) but it was just...different. He felt_ whole _and_ completed, _like two pieces of a puzzle that made the whole picture_ make sense.

_He’d almost expect that to be one-sided too. Like he wanted it so much his brain just exaggerated the pleasure for him. But Steve had gave him a blissed out grin afterwards, eye wide._

_“That was...wow.” He breathed, stroking his fingers through Bucky’s long hair._

_The next morning he woke Bucky up with a gentle kiss on his forehead._

_Bucky had almost hoped._

_Almost._

_“You were amazing. We should do this again sometime.”_

_They do it again. Until Carol_

_Then again, and again. Until Betsy (Or Betty? Bucky couldn’t remember, that only lasted two months)_

_Then again, again, again, again, again._

_Until Steve met Peggy._

_Then that was that._

_Because Peggy was supposed to be_ the one _._

_And Bucky’s always going to just be Bucky._

_-_

Maybe that's what was always meant to happen. Maybe he was never supposed to have Steve, and Steve was never meant to want him. Maybe Steve is only his soulmate because he's destined to always own half of Bucky's soul with nothing to give back but a friendly pat on the back. 

_“I wish you didn’t waste your time on him, James.” Natasha had told him once, her voice hushed and eyes soft with worry._

Bucky doesn't really understand. He’s destined to spend his life wanting Steve one way or another, how is it a waste of time just because he doesn't want Bucky back? 

Love is love, it doesn't need to be requited. 

-

 

 

Two months after Peggy left him for England, Steve is still a mess. 

He’s more of a controlled mess, but he’s still a mess- the thing is, he had a plan. He was going to propose sooner or later- and they’d settle down in a nice brownstone- maybe next to Bucky’s, and start a family together. But apparently that’s not enough for Peggy.

Now Steve’s at a loss of what to do, unlike anything else he did, he had no plan B waiting. 

“Maybe you need to put yourself back out there again?” Sam had suggested over lunch one day. “Y’know, get your plans back on track again?”

Steve shrugs and murmurs a “Maybe.” 

Steve isn’t really sure if he’s ready for another relationship again. The five years he was with Peggy wasn’t all roses and champagne. Relationships are hard work, it’s hard to fit someone into your life, and it’s even harder to see them leave. He tells Sam this and gets a raised eyebrow in return.

“You just need to get laid.” Tony not-so discreetly points out. 

That was-

Surprisingly not true. 

He had gotten laid heaps, well- only with one person. 

Bucky.

Sex with Bucky was always amazing, and surprisingly Steve felt even more satisfied than he’d ever been with Peggy.

Maybe that’s just house the whole soulmate thing works, regardless of romantic attraction- your body just _knows_ biologically. Which kind of sucks- the fact that maybe you can never choose someone for yourself comes back to haunt Steve again, but he pushes it away with a large bite of his sandwich. 

“I get laid fine.” He answers gruffly, and Tony mocks clutching his pearls, “Who would have ever thought the no-nonsense, straight-laced Captain of the Marvel Panthers would turn into a big man-slut one day. Oh, I can’t wait to tell Couch Coulson at the next reunion-” 

“Speaking of.” Sam cuts Tony off mid-speech with a side eye, “You going to bring a plus one to the reunion?”

The three of them have been friends since High School, there- of course, had been others within their social circle, but most of them have moved away. Leaving him, Sam and Tony (whenever he stopped by his New York Stark Industries HQ) to be the only three who regularly see each other. So reunions were kind of a big deal. 

“Um.” Steve shrugs, “Nope.”

Sam gives him another unreadable look before nodding, “How’s Bucky been?”

Tony turns to look at Steve with a curious glint in his eye, “The rejected soulmate. You two still hang out on the daily? _Interesting.”_

Steve returns the look pointedly, “I thought you hated Bucky? And Tony, he’s not _rejected_. Soulmates can be platonic.”

Tony rolls his eyes, “Does he know that though? The man’s been pining over your ass ever since he first laid eyes on you, you gotta be blind not to notice.” 

Steve swallowed his sandwich stiffly, washing it down with a gulp of coffee. 

Sam shrugs, “Tony’s right you know. Also, I do not hate him. I did used to think it was a little pathetic, maybe. But I don’t know...” He trails off before sighing, “Ten years is a long time, Steve.”

Steve suddenly feels a pang of frustration, “Look, you don’t know him like I do. It’s not like that.”

Both Sam and Tony don’t give him an answer. 

_-_

“I don’t know how you do it man.” Clint says in between bites of pizza, “Ten years is a damn long time to not date at all.” 

Bucky picks up the fluffy ball that is Alpine and strokes a finger down the snowy fur. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Natasha glares at Clint before turning to smile at Bucky, “Don’t you think it’s a good idea to put yourself out there? Meet someone new?”

Clint looks like he wants say something but is quickly shut down with a pointed look thrown his way. 

Bucky hugs his unwilling cat to himself, “Not really, I’m fine with how I live now.” 

“Doing what? Pining over Steve hoping he’ll finally change his mind one day?” Natasha’s tone isn’t sharp, but it somehow cuts deep all the same. As soon as the words are out, her face falls, and Clint’s eyes snap up to the TV like he’s trying hard to pretend nothing’s happening.

Bucky plops the cat back down onto the floor where it quickly slithers away into a lone corner. 

“I’m sorry.” Natasha leans her head onto Bucky’s shoulder and he wraps an arm around her, “I just hate to see you getting hurt.”

“I’m not.”

She hugs him back. “I wish that was true.”

Bucky does too. 

-

They’re having Chinese takeout when Bucky first hears Steve say the name.

He’s a little zoned out on the wildlife documentary they’ve put on, his chow mien half eaten and forgotten on his lap when he hears it, 

“What was that?” He asks. 

“Oh,” Steve grins, half a bite into his egg roll, “I was just talking about Sharon- she’s a friend from High School, I ran into her at the reunion yesterday. 

Right.

The High School reunion. 

Sharon.

Bucky sets his carton down and turns to look at Steve. He’s smiling as usual, but there’s something different about him. An energy, something buzzing from within. He knows it all too well. 

Bucky smiles. He almosts hears the sound of the other shoe dropping.

“So what about her?”

Sharon is amazing, she works for the FBI and was just transferred to the New York office. Sharon has a dog as well! She used to be in Steve’s art class and still paints in her spare time, she does martial arts and loves morning runs. And oh, her last name is Carter-just like Peggy! What are the odds? They’re nothing alike though. 

Bucky nods appropriately. When the documentary ends, Steve is talking about how Sharon out-drank Tony yesterday and how drunk Tony is hilarious but somehow even more offensive than usual. 

“You like her.” Bucky points out. 

Steve stops, looks at hims with raised eyebrows, “What? No, it’s not like that- we used to be good friends in High School, that’s all. She was one of the few who were nice to me even when I was just a small, geeky, nerd.” 

“You should ask her out.” Bucky suggests, surprisingly, he finds that he truly means it. 

“Who knows? She could be the one.” 

Steve’s face falls at that, “Well, I guess there’s just no way to tell. I thought Peggy was ‘the one’, and _..._.well, yea.” He shrugs, cracking open a can of beer and taking a sip“I wish there was just a way to know.” 

Bucky looks at him for a long while before nodding.

He cracks open his own can. 

“You should still ask her out.” 

Steve sighs, “I don’t even know if she likes me.” 

“Well if she does it’d be perfect. You can dress up as Dumb and Dumber for Halloween,” Bucky laughs, and Steve does too. 

“Sometimes I wonder if things would be different if I wasn’t your soulmate.” Bucky whispers that into the dark that night, sprawled out on Steve’s floor.

Steve’s soft snore is the only reply he gets.

He leaves before sunrise. 

-

 

_“Hey Bucky, Steve. You didn’t reply to me texts so just seeing how you are, you free this weekend? Let me know.”_

“ _Hey Buck, it’s Steve. Just wondering how you’ve been, I don’t know if you got my messages. Anyway, me and Sam and some others are going out to have a beer on Friday night at the pub. Just wondering if you wanted to join.”_

_“Bucky, it’s me. Where the hell have you been? You weren’t at home when I stopped by today and you’re never working at the cafe, what’s going on? I’m worried about you buddy, please call me back.”_

“Still no luck?” Sam asks over his coffee and pancakes.

Steve sighs and shakes his head, “I’m worried.”

“I’m sure he’s fine. He’s an adult. Maybe he just wants to take a break? Or maybe it’s family stuff and he needed to go back to Indiana?” Sam.

Steve frowns, “We’re best friends Sam, he would’ve told me if anything happened.”

“Weeeeell.” Tony intercepts, his pushing his sunglasses up onto his forehead while typing away on his phone. “Apparently the best friend job description doesn’t include letting you know he’s taking a vacation in LA.”

Steve frown deepens, “LA?”

“Yep.” Tony replies, popping his “p” obnoxiously, “Your boy’s in LA, I guess he’s having too much fun to send you updates.”

“And how did _you_ find out?” Steve narrows his eyes and groans, “Ugh, Tony please don’t tell me you hacked into his phone or something equally inappropriate.”

“Hey, I’ll have you know that hacking is a form of art that just happen to be given a naughty reputation. But no.” Tony flips his phone around and flashes his teeth, “He updated instagram like ten minutes ago.” 

Sure enough, there was Bucky’s timeline on the screen, with the newest post being a selfie of him wincing with the sun hitting his eyes in front of the Hollywood sign.

Sam raises an eyebrow, “See, he’s just taking a break. No biggie.”

Steve stabs his fork into his eggs, and murmurs “Yea, well as long as he’s safe.” 

Tony flips his phone back into his palm, “So, how’s the new Mrs. Captain doing? Are we meeting her anytime or is that only allowed on the night of the wedding?”

Steve rolls his eyes, “Her name’s Sharon, and she’s great. She wants to meet you all but I guess I’ll wait til Bucky’s back.” 

Sam let’s out a _hmmm_ that means Steve is doing something he disapproves. 

“What?”

“Nothing.” Sam shrugs, “It’s just that sometimes I wonder if one of my best friends is secretly an asshole.”

Steve’s eyes him, “What is that supposed to mean.”

Tony looks between the both of them, then adverts his gaze back onto his phone, flipping down his sunglasses down over his eyes again.

Sam sighs heavily, “Steve, what I mean is that Bucky is in love with you, and has been for ten years while you’ve been ignoring it for just as long. I just don’t think it’s healthy, is all.”

“How many times have we been over this, that’s not what’s happening.” Steve argues, jaw tight and eyes defensive. “Really? You two text and call daily, you spend almost all your free time together, you sleep together whenever you’re single for goodness sake!” Sam points out, raising his palms, “Look, I don’t want to meddle. But you there are some things that you can’t ignore forever just for the sake of feeling better about yourself- like feelings.”

Sam shrugs, “Whoever it ends up being, you’re going to get married and settle down someday, and do you really expect Bucky to be standing beside you at the end of the aisle?”

“Why wouldn’t he be?” Steve shoots back, “He’s been friendly with all my exes.”

“Well _maybe_ that’s because Bucky’s kind of an idiot, which is why I don’t like hanging out with him. It reminds me of what an asshole my friend his being.”

Tony slowly sinks down into his chair.

“He’s not an idiot!” Steve hisses harshly, “ _Maybe_ you never liked him because _you’re_ the asshole.” 

A sharp siren sound suddenly cuts off their conversation.

“Uh.” Tony sits up, his hand holding the object the offensive sound is coming from, “It’s Pep. Sorry, gotta take this.” He runs outside before either of them can say anything. 

They finish the rest of brunch in silence. 

-

Later, Steve gets a text from Bucky.

“Hey. sry, out of town. wont b back until next week.”

Steve doesn’t reply. 

 

Five hours later, he texts back.

“Ok. Glad you’re okay, see you soon!”

-

The next time he sees Bucky is almost a month later.

They’re sitting at a cafe, and Bucky if shifting around on his seat. 

“So how was LA?” Steve asks after too long of a silence. 

“Good.” Bucky replies. “It was actually for a job interview.” 

“Oh.” Steve blinks. 

“Oh, wow.” He exclaims after a beat. “That’s amazing Buck!”

“It’s only for a PA role, nothing to do with writing.” Bucky shifts again, picking up the napkin under his cup and rolling the corners between his fingers.

“Still, it’s a good way to break into the industry.” 

“They didn’t get back to me, so I probably didn’t get it.” Bucky says, shredding the napkin into tiny pieces.

“Oh,” Steve frowns, “Well I’m sure there’s a lot of other opportunities, maybe try contacting studios here in New York. I can ask aroun-”

“Sam called me.” Bucky cuts in, biting his lip, “It was a bit of a surprise, honestly.”

“Oh.” Steve grimaces, “What did he want?”

“Nothing, he just called to check up on me. He’s a good guy, really.” Bucky picks up his untouched mocha. He felt like something sweet today. 

“I never knew he lost his soulmate.”

“He told you?” Steve’s eyes widen in surprise and Bucky nods, “He told me about it briefly.”

“Yea.” Steve sighs, “I never knew Riley either, Sam transferred to our High School briefly after he died I believe.”

Bucky nods silently, he places his cup down and looks at Steve.

“I never wanted to be friends with you. You know that right?”

Steve feels something cold wash over him, “What?”

Bucky gives him a wry smile, taking a deep breath before opening his mouth again, “For all my life I’ve imagined I’d meet my soulmate, fall in love and live happily ever after. When I first met you, I thought I could change your mind. When it was obvious that I couldn’t, I tried changing my own mind. I tried to hate you, to nitpick all your flaws to prove to myself that I wouldn’t want you anyway. But..” 

He shrugs.

“I’ve been in love with you, for ten years.”

He looks up at Steve, “Sometimes I wonder if the only thing stopping you for feeling the same about me is that fact that I’m your soulmate. But I am. I can’t change that.” 

Steve stares at his best friend.

“Bucky, I-” He stops himself, clearly at a loss of words. “I don’t know what to say.” He admits after a while.

And he doesn’t. He doesn’t know what to say, because somehow, he isn’t surprised. 

Maybe Sam was right, maybe he’d always known deep down that Bucky had feelings for him, maybe in his subconsciousness, he’d always known this day would come, and just ignored it for the benefit of being able to have Bucky around. 

“I don't know what to say Bucky. I'm sorry.” Steve says after a long pause.

“I never wanted to hurt you I hope you know that.”

Bucky shakes his head, eyes not leaving his cup- the foam art has melted into the liquid, leaving a ugly white stain, not a trace of the beautiful flower that bloomed over the foam when it was first delivered onto their table. 

“I’m not hurt Steve. I’m just...tired. Probably.”

“But maybe-.” Steve's voice catches, and he swallows before continuing, “Maybe it's best if I give you some space for a while. At least until….” He stops but somehow they both know what he’s implying. 

“I just really hope you’d still want to be my friend...I’m- I’m sorry.” Steve repeats lamely.

Bucky nods.

“Me too.” 

-

To say he’s surprised to receive a call from Sam is an understatement.

Bucky always knew that Sam disliked him- they had hung out multiple times yes, but those times he was always chilly to Bucky while warm and friendly to anyone else. Bucky never really cared though, Sam was more of Steve’s friend than Bucky’s

So despite of the fact that he’s been forcing himself to go on a Steve-detox and had been ignoring Steve’s calls and anything mildly Steve related for weeks, Bucky finds himself picking up. 

That night, while staring out onto the bustling LA streets, Bucky learns of Riley.

For the first time in his life, he finds himself hoping that you can find love even outside of soulmates. 

At least for Sam.

And maybe that means for himself too. 


	2. Chapter 2

Steve has never done drugs in his life. But he wonders if this is what withdrawal feels like. 

-

The first two weeks are fine. He’s gone that long without seeing Bucky for longer.

-

The third week, he passes by Joe’s on Monday. He can still remember Bucky’s scandalized gasp for thinking that Joe’s is “only average”

He eats nothing but pizza for the whole week. 

-

The fourth week, he’s scrolling on instagram when he finds a new post by Bucky- a screenshot of a Tinder profile- _his_ profile. 

_“If I disappear, tell the cops it must have been a terrible date.”_ The caption says with a thoughtful emoji. 

Steve suddenly tastes something sour at the back of this throat.

“ _Tinder._ Can you imagine?” 

“So what’s wrong with that? It’s a good place to start meeting new people.” Sam is speaking slowly and soothingly, the way he speaks to the Vets he works with in the VA, Steve feels a stab of annoyance.

He gulps down his beer with a scowl, “Tinder’s only for fuckboys and kids.” 

“Hey, be glad it’s not Grindr. I’ve met some crazy people on there back in my days.” Tony shrugs, and Steve scowl deepens.

-

Three months in, Sharon tells him she thinks they’re better off as friends. Steve finds himself agreeing. 

When he gets home that night, he jerks off in the shower with his soulmate’s name on his lips. 

-

On the sixth month, Sam calls an intervention. Somehow, he got Natasha to show up.

“How’s Bucky been?” Steve asks.

She rolls her eyes, “You know Steve, I always thought you were kind of an idiot, but this is really falling into a new kind of cliche.” 

She accepts the glass of wine from Sam with a gracious smile, and Sam grins at her. 

“Let’s see. First you convince yourself that the only way you can prove to the world you have free will is to not end up with your soulmate, then you ignore his feelings for ten years while keeping him as your best friend-slash-fuckbuddy, and now that he decides he deserves better and starts dating, you suddenly regret everything and want him back?” 

She hums, “I feel like I’ve seen his rom-com at least a dozen times during teenage sleepovers back in the days. I hope you’re the one who ends up with the cancer, by the way.”

Steve sulks into his glass. 

“Look, Bucky’s trying his best to move on, maybe you should too.” She sighs, flicking her hair back, “Maybe then, you two can really start afresh and you can win him back.”

“I don’t want to win him back!” Steve glowers, which only holds up for a second before his face falls again. 

“I just miss him.” 

“And is that platonic or romantic?” Natasha asks with a perfectly arched brow.

“I don’t know.” Steve admits quietly.

Natasha shakes her head. “Idiots. All idiots.” 

Sam agrees.

-

Another three months later, Bucky uploads a photo of two silhouettes- him and someone else- a man a little taller than him, to the background of a sunset. It was captioned with nothing but a smiley face and a sun.

Steve nearly puts his fist through the wall. 

“I’m in love with Bucky.” He laments into his whiskey, Sam looks on worried while Tony is rolling his eyes. 

-

“I’m in love with my soulmate. Who I friendzoned for ten years.” Steve groaned, gulping down his drink in one go.

-

“I can’t believe I’ve been such an idiot. _For ten years!_ Why didn’t you talk sense into me sooner?” He wails to Sam. 

-

“Hey Bucky! Guess what, I’m in love with you!” Drunk Steve shouts into his phone.

“What the hell man! I just went to take a leak!” Sam rushes back into the living room, looking horrified.

“Don’t worry, I installed a plugin on his phone that prevents drunk-dials.” Tony shrugs, and Sam groans, relieved. 

“Idiot.”

Steve nods heavily, before passing out onto his couch. 

-

Nine months after he last talks to Bucky, it’s Steve’s birthday.

He recieves an unwritten birhday card and a brand new leather-bound sketch book in his mailbox, it’s not stamped. 

The next day, Steve opens his commissions again. 

\--

The next year, on Bucky’s birthday. He sends him back the sketch book. 

Inside were all drawings of Bucky- sketches of them together, comic strips ridiculing him being a total idiot, even a ten-page collage he put together using old photos, gel pens, highlighters and stickers- imitating the work of a teenage fangirl’s. 

_I’m not good with words._ He writes, _But apparently a picture is worth a thousand words, so here’s a thousand pictures!_

_Happy Birthday, Buck._

On the last page, he draws a cartoonized drawing of him and Bucky- asleep on the couch, alpine curled up at their feet. 

In another timeline where he wasn’t a total tool, maybe that would have been them in real life. 

The next day, he gets a text message.

_Thanks._

He goes on a three hour run to stop himself from replying.

\--

He hears from Natasha that Bucky broke up with his boyfriend. 

“He proposed and Bucky turned him down.” She gave him a pointed look, Steve can’t tell if it’s hostility of empathy.

He only nods with a small smile. 

“Not going to chase him down? Show up with his door with a bouquet of roses and a moving confession?”

Steve shakes his head. 

“I promised him I’d give him time.”

“So what if it takes another ten years? You’re still going to wait?” she asks.

Steve pauses to think before shaking his head. 

“If I meet someone who can make me forget about Bucky, then that’s that. But the truth is I miss him more and more every passing day.” 

“And you’re sure it’s not just the absence tricking you into thinking it’s romance? Like getting a toy taken away when you were little and suddenly feeling like you can’t live without it?”

Steve chuckles, “I’ve thought about it actually.” 

“And?”

“And I realized that I’m in love with Bucky, and I’ve probably been in love with him as long as he has been with me. I was just too stubborn and too blinded by my beliefs to admit it.” He smiles wryly. “I know what you’re going to say- that I’m an idiot, right?”

Natasha laughs, “At least you know something.” 

But she looks satisfied, so Steve doesn’t complain. 

-

Sometimes Steve wonders how big New York really is that you are able to not run into someone you share half a social circle with in almost two years. 

Or maybe Bucky just avoids him consciously.

He wouldn’t blame him. 

Sometimes when he passes by Brooklyn, he finds that one half of him needs to actively remind himself to not walk in the direction of Bucky’s place, while the other half of him is urging his legs to run there. 

One time, he finds himself standing on the street opposite Bucky’s in the middle of the night, staring into his darkened windows for two hours, he’s lucky no one called the cops on him.

Sometimes Steve asks himself what his plan is if Bucky really goes on living his life, never contacting him ever again.

He doesn’t have a plan for that. Honestly, he doesn’t have a plan for the opposing outcome, either.

He only waits, and waits. 

-

Two years and a half after Bucky walked out of that cafe, Steve walks in one morning, bone-tired, groggy and sleepy after an pulling an all nighter drawing a poster for an indie game.

He shuffles to the counter, contemplating on whether he should get an espresso to keep him alive, or a hot chocolate so he can just go home and promptly pass out when a voice interrupts him- low and honeyed with a hint of Brooklyn drawl.

_**“Hey pal, the end of the line is back there.”** _

He turns around, almost thinking the person standing in front of him is a product of his imagination. 

_**“Oh shit.”**_ He breaths, and Bucky answers him with a shit-eating grin. 

Steve smiles back, _**“**_ Well, _**please don’t think I’m an asshole.”**_

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt was
> 
> "Soulmate AU wherein Post-Serum Steve and Bucky meet in college. But Steve dislikes the concept of soulmates (he's all about free will and not being told what to do) so Bucky settles for being his bestie instead, all the while hoping Steve will eventually still choose him. But after years on the sideline watching Steve date and get involved with other people, he gets tired of waiting and starts dating seriously, too. This causes Steve to become jealous and realize what's he's taken for granted all these years. Maybe they also have a casual/FWB thing going on whenever Steve is single (since soulmate sex is out of this world) but it's not enough for Bucky."
> 
> I'm so sorry that this is only a slither of what could have been delivered, I realized how out of practice I was with writing, like _words_...how do I even word? 
> 
> Also not beta-ed of even proof read because it’s like...3AM past midnight 16th where I am so I’m desperate. 
> 
> I love writing angst but I’m always at a loss of how to rekindle a relationship after all the delicious angsty feast.


End file.
